Yesterday was Mother’s Day.
Mother’s Day has always been a really tough day for me because I lost my mom at a very young age so, the day was always filled with people showering their mothers with love and appreciation while I sat back and wished for the impossible; “If only my mom was here and I could just wrap my arms around her…”
It’s fascinating the things that people take for granted like something as simple as hugging their mom is something that someone else only wishes they had.
Last year was the culmination of the pain of not having my mom around. I had the hardest, yet most cathartic Mothers Day and after 24 years, I finally got my healing and found peace in the middle of the storm.
It’s amazing what happens when you truly give your life to Christ. He really begins to pick up all of your broken pieces and then He creates a whole new masterpiece. A lot of the time, you don’t even realize you never fully healed from a situation until God shines a light on it and makes you face it head on. I thought I had healed from losing my mother in a tragic way but all I did was stop the bleeding. The wound never got a chance to heal properly and slowly but surely, I was bleeding out internally and I didn’t even know.
I was bleeding out because I never allowed myself to get close enough to people because the pain of losing someone I love was too much. So, I was a closed off and cold in relationships except with family and very close friends. I was bleeding out because I created an impenetrable fortress that kept my feelings and emotions from spilling out.
But then God came and he knocked that impenetrable wall down and showed me how much beauty there was in my brokenness and He gave me a safe place to just feel the pain, not just go through the motions.
At my church on Mother’s Day 2017, I finally let myself feel the pain, loss, anguish and complete desolation of losing my mother and as sobs wracked my body, through my blurry vision I saw the open arms of my pastor as she enveloped me in an embrace that had to have been sent straight from heaven as a seal from God saying that He GOT me.
As the sobs subsided and the tears began to dry up, there came this beautiful peace that washed over me like a warm, thick blanket and I found myself smiling. I smiled because another part of my testimony fell into place and I knew that there are many people out there who feel the depth of the pain that I felt and still feel from time to time, but God showed me how to find the peace in the middle of the storm.
This year, I was able to be a beacon of strength for someone else as they let themselves feel the pain of losing their mom and in that moment, I realized how God’s ways always come full circle. I had to go through the unimaginable pain of losing my mother because my testimony is one day going to help someone else find their healing in the midst of the storm. I would not wish losing a parent on anyone but I now understand that those who are strong enough to endure such a loss, have the responsibility to help others endure, overcome and heal as well.
You know what else is amazing?
For the first time in a really long time, I didn’t feel sad yesterday, I simply felt…Peace. And you wonder why I’m sold out for Jesus? Who else could have turned my pain into something where when I think about it, all I can feel is the peace that God infused into my very being the day I handed over that pain to him.
To all the people out there who lost their mothers, I feel your pain so profoundly because a mother’s love is irreplaceable but, I am here to tell you that if you trust God with your broken pieces, he will turn them into a whole new masterpiece.
Just. Trust. HIM.
It was the best decision I have ever made.