This morning, on my long drive into work, I asked myself a question that made me take pause and reevaluate exactly what I have been praying for and why I have been praying for it.
I asked myself, and I quote, “why do you want to be in a relationship? Why is that one of the desires of your heart? For real?”
Immediately, I started coming up with pre-planned answers in my head that I knew weren’t true but sounded good to the ear and would make sense if someone were to ask me that question in person. But then, I said to myself in a small whisper, “dig a little deeper…really examine this and actually tell yourself the truth this time.”
In that moment, I took a deep breath and faced myself. I knew innately that the reason I am searching so fervently is because I feel that there is something missing in my life that I believe another person can fill. That’s a stronghold, ladies and gentlemen. That is a fortified place of thought in my psyche that didn’t want to face the fact that I felt like there was something someone else could give me that I necessarily couldn’t give myself.
That is where so many of us go wrong. I realized in that moment that I am going to be real disappointed when this person doesn’t fill the place I was sooo convinced that he would fill.
The only person who can fill every part of me to overflowing is myself and the Holy Spirit.
It is not my future husband’s job to do it for me because that is just too heavy a load for one person to carry. I’m letting him off the hook to instead put the responsibility on myself to be everything I need someone else to be for me.
My singleness has been the most profound learning experience for me because it gave me time to really heal. I had so many self-inflicted and non-self-inflicted traumas that skewed and distorted my view of myself, the world, relationships, and men. I was so broken and I am so glad God didn’t permit for me to enter into a relationship because I would have squandered what He entrusted to me. That relationship would have been tumultuous at best because broken people do not have the capacity to build a foundation until they are put back together and solid.
I am solid now. I have a foundation that God helped me build for myself. I love this girl and she makes me proud every single day. I love who I am and who I am not. I don’t always feel this confident because there are days when you’re just not feeling it. But, I make sure to not allow myself to wallow especially when I am breathing and healthy.
But, to get to the point, here is why I want to be in a relationship: My heart’s desire is to have a co-laborer. Someone who gets me and my thoughts. They understand who I am and who I am not. They give me room to breathe while letting me know that they’re never too far away.
But, here’s the kicker.
I need to be all those things I stated above for myself first so that I can teach someone how to love me like that. People will not automatically know the kind of love you need, you have to show them and keep showing them because sometimes it will change and fluctuate with age. I must be my own co-laborer. I must get myself. I must understand who I am and who I am not. I have to give myself room to breathe while letting myself know that I’ve got me.
The love you give yourself is the most important aspect of every relationship you are in. The measure in which you love yourself is the measure in which you will be able to pour that love into others and have it reciprocated.